Yesterday I was feeling pretty low. That's an understatement. Today at exactly the same time I feel, well not happy but perhaps less unhappy. I'm not in the dark place I was, it's like I found a small torch.
I've been asked many times during my so called recovery if I have had thoughts of 'hurting myself', the answer has always been NO. I have never revealed that I have considered that this life I have is just too painful and I have thought of running, of course I never would. I still have so much here at home, my little girl for one is everything to me.
Work considers me 'over' whatever they thought I was going through. At home I'm supposed to be the glue holding the rest of the family together. I feel I'm at a crossroads and I don't know which road to take.
I haven't cycled since my cycling accident a few weeks ago. I seem to have lost all motivation. There is a dangerous and a real possibility that I may never get on the bike again.
I'm desperate for the cold weather to be over. The snow returned today just to pissed me off. I feel like I'm stuck in glue, desperate to move forward with my life. My body is bashed up following my bike crash and to top it off I've got a cold and feel shit. Today should have been my day off but I'll be working tonight until midnight (overtime) and again tomorrow morning (in addition to my regular shift).
We got through Mothers Day pretty much unscathed, it was difficult but we made the best. Our eldest didn't make any sort of contact which was disappointing but not unexpected. Last year we were a complete family when we took Morticia to Whitby for the day as a special treat. Life is so different now, we all still feel the loss 6 months on.
I know I've not blogged properly for a long while, apart from a few posts at Christmas I haven't really posted since August. It was shortly after this my world fell apart. I did write quite a few entries in the latter part of last year, I just never felt able to share, I think now I'm ready. I'll publish them over the coming weeks.
Supplemental 1606.07; I never actually got around to publishing those blogs, it's alway been too painful to revisit. I didn't get around to re-reading them until 4 years afterwards.