TEACHING US TO SUCK EGGS

My career has involved countless training courses, with their utility varying wildly between the truly beneficial and the utterly pointless. What has become a consistent and peculiar trend, however, is the escalating requirement for mandatory retraining on the entirety of our role. Just two years ago, this mandate required three days away from daily business; now, I find myself committed to a five-day programme.

Five days in a classroom, nineteen years after I first started this job? The very idea feels completely pointless. While I accept that refresher training is occasionally useful and that new procedures constantly emerge, this current course is a time-consuming, ground-up "professionalisation"—their term, not mine—of the entire department.

The location of the training centre has had immediate, unwelcome logistical consequences. Because I'm at the training facility and not my usual place of work, my daily commute is now by bus. I could cycle, but the facilities here are wholly inadequate, and honestly, the bus offers a small opportunity for unwinding at the end of the day, even if it isn't any quicker.

The first day gave me a migraine, forcing me to sleep it off when I got home. But the real friction began on Tuesday when I got chewed out by the trainer for not wearing the regulation footwear. Trying to explain the practical reality—that transporting heavy work boots home on a bicycle is challenging—highlighted a serious flaw. The entire regulation felt utterly futile, especially when the course is confined to a classroom with no interaction with the public. The whole policy, it seems, subtly discriminates against those who don't use cars for daily travel. On the other hand I have to accept I work in a uniformed role but I do think there should be some give in these situations. 

I know the comments section will inevitably feature someone telling me I'm being difficult because I do own a car and could easily use it. However, that perspective fails to grasp the full picture: Morticia relies on having the car at her disposal for her mobility and freedom, which means it isn't simply available for my convenient commute. Plus, there's a principle involved. I almost never use my car for commuting and never have.

The week rolled on slowly, spent in regulation footwear. It was a hard slog—death by PowerPoint and all pretty much pointless. It finished on Friday with one of the gaffers coming in to speak to us about the assessment due over the upcoming eighteen months. It was made perfectly clear to him that the assembled group were very unhappy and felt devalued by the whole process. His response was succinct: we were told there was no choice and the requirement was coming down from on high.

So, while the classroom week is mercifully over, the issue isn't. The assessment is still hanging over us, along with the chance of more pointless training to come.

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