Another year in the bag and the big news is that I didn't die (well this would be the definition of irony if I fail to survive the next week). The shitstorm continues with high prices and low wages ravaging those of us on below average wages but we struggle through. The world is full of war and climate distasters, I feel so bad for those affected. Maybe one day the power hungry megalomaniacs will get their heads out of their (or each others') arses and work to solve these solvable problems although I'm not holding my breath.
If we thought 2021 was bad 2022 said "hold my beer". Covid is reduced to a background issue now, we are in the midst of a cost of living crisis with prices and inflation flying upwards. Then there's the energy prices which are scarily high and are having to be capped (slightly) with government intervention. Life in 2022 is so much more expensive. This has lead to strikes and hardships across the land.
So the lockdown is starting to be relaxed, people are returning to work and pretty soon shops will be reopening. We have been promised a "new normal" but what does this look like?
Things haven't been great recently. There are certain facets of life that have conspired to fuck with my head. I get that life isn't straightforward but sometimes the shit keeps on coming.
So my summer is effectively over and I'm back to work. My trip to our happy place is sadly in my rear view mirror and I find I must get on with my life.
I'm my
opinion one of the most integral parts of a successful cycle commute is the
availability of a shower at the other end. I've been on both sides of the
spectrum with a previous employer which didn't provide a shower (baby wipes in
the gents had to do) and my current one who does.
When Ronan Keating sang "life is a roller-coaster" I think he could have been describing the last few days of my life. Emotionally it's been joy to traumatic and everywhere in between.
I get 1 weekend off in every 3 with my current shift pattern. This makes every weekend quite special. This weekend I planned to sort out a friend's wedding photos (a bit of photoshop tidying) and of course go cycling. Apart from that we were just going to relax as a family and spend time together.
My head had other ideas.
Yesterday my head felt like it was in a vice whilst being repeated hit on the forehead with a lump hammer. It was like a hangover without the pleasure of a night out. The unmistakable dark mist had descended over me. I couldn't explain the cause of was just there. I couldn't concentrate on the photos I was supposed to be working on. This morning I planned to go cycling with the club but after a night of nightmares and waking up feeling so much dread I didn't feel like going, so I didn't. Probably the worst decision I could have made, I spent the morning feeling guilt on top of everything else.
Maybe it's because it's the end of summer? Maybe it's that my life feels like I'm just treading water? I don't always know why the darkness descends over me, I wish I did. This afternoon as I sat looking out of the window and 2 rainbows appeared. I took it as a sign that things are going to get better. It's the first positive thought I've had all weekend.
I know this post doesn't make much sense, I apologise for that but writing it down makes it easier for me to process it all.
When I was off work injured one of the things I did to occupy my time was to do a little research into my family tree. All very interesting... to me maybe, I wouldn't want to bore anyone else with most of what I found. One thing that became apparent was the confirmation of something I already suspected. The males in my family line (the ones that share my surname) don't seem to live past 65. The ones in my living memory all had poor lifestyle habits but what about the ones in the distant past?
My lifestyle is better that quite a lot of my family. I'm active (cycling a minimum of 100 km per week), I don't (and never have) smoke and I barely drink alcohol (maybe 3 pints a month). My diet has room for improvement but it's not horrendous. The main room for improvement in my opinion is sleep. My sleep pattern is poor and my sleep debt is running too high. I know this is partly due to my wife's condition and my duties as carer. Still I'm sure there's some improvements I can make.
On the news this morning BBC journalist Simon Jack was speaking about the high number of suicides amongst men in their forties and his experience (his father killed himself 25 years ago at age 44). It is subject of a Panorama programme tonight (should be on iPlayer afterwards). This resonated with me as in 2012 I suffered a breakdown which I still feel the invisible scars (more than the visible scars I sport from recent cycling injuries).
All in all I'm at a very dangerous time of life and it's very scary when you think about it.
I seem to be having a lot of late nights recently, in fact if I think back I can't remember a time when I did get early nights. To get to bed before midnight is a rare occasion indeed. The problem is that my wife is a creature of the night who comes alive after dark and hates the sunrise. It's not good for me I know and sometimes I need to get some sleep but I relent each night and wait up with her.
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