2011.17 GOING NUTS

I'm so tired. I've been struggling recently, both physically and mentally.

I'm currently waiting for test results from my doctor and any potential next steps. There's a lot going on in my head and my mind feels like it's being overwhelmed.

Work is work and I'm lucky to have it during these strange times. I do get stressed out with my colleagues' attitude towards the pandemic and the way they don't seem to give a damn. So why does this effect me so much? Maybe it's because every breath I've taken since my contact with the virus back in March hurts my lungs, every night I feel like I'm so tired I may never wake up. They take it all for granted, if they've had Covid then they have been lucky enough not to have any long lasting effects. So why do I get pissed off if someone in our workspace isn't taking the appropriate steps like mask wearing and social distancing (which have been made mandatory by the way)? Because I refuse to take the situation lightly, this is serious stuff. 50,000 people in the UK are dead and who knows how many are struggling with ongoing effects.

Then there's my Nan. My wonderful Nan who we have learned is probably in the last few weeks of her life. She has dementia and has started to deteriorate recently, the consultant has advised that she is not going to get better. She is really frail and on top of all this the family can't visit yet. We should be allowed to see her before the end but everything is a bit vague for now. It's ripping me apart inside, I don't want to prolong her suffering but I'm frightened of my life without her in it.

I'm a little messed up, but I see it and hopefully know when to step back. My family are great - Morticia is my rock and a shoulder should I need it, my mum is on the end of the phone (I wish I could give her more support) and my uncle has been keeping me up to date on every step of my Nan's condition. At work I do have some in my corner but in reality no one knows my position, I think they all believe I'm completely bonkers.

Morticia has decided (I had no part in the thought process) to put up the Yuletide decorations early, last weekend in fact. Usually we are one of the last to put up our stuff up on our street, this year we're the first. The reasoning being that 2020 has been such a shite year that we should embrace the end of the year and get on with seeing it off.