CAR DREAD & 8-BIT DREAMS

ust recently, a heavy cloud has hung over me, the weight of my responsibilities pressing down with a relentless force. As I mentioned before, the looming prospect of a significant car repair bill has felt like a constant threat. Well, this week that anxiety finally materialised.

2112.16 IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME

It's been a few months since I did a post and there's good reason...

2011.17 GOING NUTS

I'm so tired. I've been struggling recently, both physically and mentally.

1806.05 THE WEIGHT

Time is a commodity I don't have loads of at the moment. When I do get a precious moment I am so tired I don't feel like doing anything.

1710.16 THE LAST EVER PARENT-TEACHER EVENING

As a parent of older children, well an adult and a teenager, I've seen many of the parenting tasks end. Last Thursday I saw another one end.

1303.19 WHICH WAY

I've been asked many times during my so called recovery if I have had thoughts of 'hurting myself', the answer has always been NO. I have never revealed that I have considered that this life I have is just too painful and I have thought of running, of course I never would. I still have so much here at home, my little girl for one is everything to me.

Work considers me 'over' whatever they thought I was going through. At home I'm supposed to be the glue holding the rest of the family together. I feel I'm at a crossroads and I don't know which road to take. 

I haven't cycled since my cycling accident a few weeks ago. I seem to have lost all motivation. There is a dangerous and a real possibility that I may never get on the bike again. 

1302.17 BACK FROM THE DARKNESS

It's been a long while since I blogged. I wrote posts but never got around to putting them up. It's been hard to sometimes cope, my stress levels have been through the roof but somehow I'm still going. 

We are currently relaxing down at my Mother-in-law's this weekend. It's a much needed break for us all. 

1301.01 REVIEW OF 2012... ...OR NOT

I was going to review last year, but I'm thinking 'what's the point?' since 2012 was such a horrendous year for my family and me. I had the most time off sick from work in my life when the stress broke me.

There were couple of highlights but not enough to lift me off the floor. I'm concentrating on putting my life back together and moving on. 2012 is over, it's time to get back on the horse.

First job in hand is my phone, I'm in my upgrade window for a new one. I have had a very good 2 years with my iPhone 4 which has been awesome. The refinement of iOS is apparent and works well. I was all set to upgrade to the iPhone 5 but the spanner in the works is my new toy, my shiny Nexus 7. Android has always seemed to be a shabby sub standard iPhone clone in the past and I've never liked the way the updates arrive via everyone in the world first. 

Not so with the Nexus with its slick Jelly Bean OS and instant updates. So now I'm pondering my upgrade and wondering if the Nexus 4 would be the next one for me. I'm reading reviews and doing my best to avoid the nasty fanboy hatred from both camps.

1208.23 GIVE US A BREAK

No matter what I do something comes along to kick me down again. Why the fuck do I bother? My head hurts, my chest and heart feels heavy. I'm struggling to cope, everytime I feel I get a handle on things something happens to knock me to the floor.

GIVE ME A BREAK!

Harley did well in her exams considering the fact that she had to pull back following a particularly dark time. Unfortunately her results weren't good enough to get her onto her chosen college course despite some guarantees given to her from them previously. She was devastated. I've made some calls and hopefully opened a few doors for her. There's always a plan B, especially at her age.

1208.20 BACK TO THE DOCS

Today I returned to the doctor to talk about my how I'm coping with things. It was a different doctor although I was glad she was a female like the previous one. Speaking about such things are easier to a woman than a man I feel although if I think a man would probably be happier with the latter if I'd gone in with some embarrassing itch.

I agreed that I've been a time bomb waiting to go off and finally I reached the end of my fuse, hopefully I managed to stop the explosion. My journey back to health is a long and difficult one. I have to try and make lifestyle changes and allow myself time and be me. That's going to be hard.

I've been signed off work for a further 2 weeks, this takes me to the other side of my planned holiday to Wales.

1208.08 RECONCILIATION

Harley returned home today following a long mediation involving my parents. I'm not about to kid myself that the next few weeks are going to be easy, a lot has happened and things need to be resolved. For now I feel a little better, although my stress levels remain high I feel that I have some hope now.

1208.06 SICKNOTE

I haven't visited a doctor for years for myself. It was a strange experience to go today and lay it all out, my problems and fears, the fact I'm not sleeping properly and the way I feel about life at the moment. I did this depression test which I scored highly on (although the doctor recognised this was due to my situation rather than me suffering from full on depression). She was a very kind and understanding doctor and it did feel good to get things off my chest. She offered me drugs to help me but stated that they had addictive qualities, I declined these but she signed me off work for 2 weeks and referred me to a 'wellbeing practitioner'.

I don't know where I'd be without the Olympic Cycling over this period, for a brief time I've allowed myself to try and escape the reality of the situation and lose myself in the sport.

This evening our Team GB cyclists scored yet another gold when Jason Kenny triumphed in the Individual Sprint, well done.

1208.04 A WEEK OF HELL

It's been a week since my daughter walked out of the door. It's been indescribable, I haven't worked, I have barely slept and I've had a headache for days (no painkillers seem to have an effect). I spoke to my parents today at our house, I'm not sure where we go from here.

Another gold in cycling gave me a little lift this afternoon. The Olympics are the only thing keeping me going throughout all this.

1208.03 MY HELL (part 4)

Tomorrow it will have been a week since my eldest daughter stormed out of the house following an argument regarding the company she has been keeping and her attitude / lies. I am hiding from the world, not taking phonecalls or responding to texts unless they are from my parents (who have unwittingly become dragged into this by my daughter turning up on their doorstep). The only thing that is getting me through is the Olympic cycling, it's providing me with a diversion and somewhere to bury my head.

1208.02 MY HELL (part 3)

Not sure what is happening. My parents are taking it really slow which in turn makes the whole situation more difficult for us. I don't know what will happen in the next few days but I do know that it is those days which will determine the long term picture. My parents are jeopardising the good work in rebuilding our relationship following years of estrangement by potentially going against our rules and giving our daughter 'asylum'.

I am still too worked up to return to work but I must soon face up to going back. My mind has difficulty concentrating at the moment, it always dwells on the current situation.

I watched the Olympic cycling again (track action this time in the velodrome) by means of a diversion. I enjoyed watching our successes with Chris Hoy, Phillip Hindes and Jason Kenny in the men's team sprint. Disappointed for Victoria Pendleton when she and her team mate were relegated following an illegal overtake.

1208.01 MY HELL (continued)

We are still not a family. My heart lays heavy with the pain of our separation. I had a long conversation with my dad last night on the phone. I laid it all on the line telling him everything about the last 3 years and in particular the last 12 months. The hell that I put forward I think shocked him, having said that I haven't heard anything since.

There has been some light in my darkness. I allowed myself a couple of hours to immerse myself in the Olympic cycling, in particular the men's road time trial. What a result, I am so proud to be a British Cyclist - Well done to Bradley Wiggins (gold) and Chris Froome (bronze).

1207.31 MY HELL

I thought things were too good to be true. On Saturday the walls of my life started to crumble. My eldest daughter walked out of our house following an argument, she ended up at my parents where she remains. Despite my explaining the history and situation to them I don't believe that they appreciate the gravity of the situation.

I haven't heard anything for 2 days. Does she still live here?

1103.01 AWFUL FEBRUARY

February was probably the most stressful month I think I've been through. Family issues have pushed me to the edge. Add to that work stress (office politics) and the worry of the state of the country under the Tories (prices increasing, lack of job security). I'm really hoping that March is a time for change, I have tried to make changes and to get assistance where needed. Let's hope it all works out, my sanity is at stake here.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

1006.06 DARK TIMES

I'm in such a mess at the moment, I usually cope pretty well with anything that life throws at me but at this moment in time I just can't seem to get a grip on things. There is so much going on, all negative my mind just can't cope. I fear though this is just the tip of the iceberg and things are set to get worse before they get better.