1605.23 DARK AND SUNNY WEEKEND

When you look at other peoples' lives from the outside they look like they're having the best of times. Facebook, I feel exaggerates this. I know that people rarely share the bad stuff on social media unless they are (probably) attention seeking. From time to time I feel the dark hand of.... well, er, I don't quite think I have the words but it what I get since 2012 when I had what I can only describe as a life changing event. Anyway, this weekend has been a bit of a 'dark time' for me, without a noticeable reason either. Reading those Facebook statuses of "friends", colleagues, ex-colleagues and people I may have met briefly at some point in my life haven't helped, to that end I've not been interacting on there for quite a while now. I only keep it around because it's the only way to speak to my cycling club.

Anyway, I digress. This weekend I've pretty much shut myself away, I didn't even feel like getting out on the bike yesterday despite the billed ride being a spectacular one and the weather being pretty nice too. I'm off today and up to now I'm not even dressed.

I just read that back and I can't make much sense of it, I'm going to publish anyway since it is a reflection of where my head is at at the moment.

1303.20 WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES

Yesterday I was feeling pretty low. That's an understatement. Today at exactly the same time I feel, well not happy but perhaps less unhappy. I'm not in the dark place I was, it's like I found a small torch. 

1003.22 GET A GRIP

I've just 'enjoyed' a 3 day weekend. What have I achieved in the 3 days given? Nothing! I have sat around (apart from yesterday when I picked a few bits up in the garden) and generally gorged myself on junk food and crap. This has to do with my current state of mind and has to stop. I can't live my life eating comfort food and feeling sorry for myself.

I need to get a grip and sort this mess out.

1003.17 DARK AGES

I don't pretend to have or even understand depression. I can say thought that I feel down. This is a dark period in my life. There is a fork in the road and I feel that I am in a position where I must choose my path.

This whole thing weighs heavily on my shoulders. I really don't know what to do. I am lost, I am alone amongst people and no one can see it. This is my greatest challenge. I have obligations that I will meet. Once they're met however, I don't know.

0911.16 WEEKEND WITH THE KIDS

Morticia went to Nottingham for a 'girlie' weekend this weekend and left me to look after the kids. I don't mind, sometimes I even get a small amount of time to myself.

It seems that no one wanted to help me tidy up, I spent most of the time running around after the kids. My only consolation was that I got to watch the new Star Trek DVD (a total of 5 times), great considering it's not officially 'out' till Monday. Gotta love Play.com.

Wish I could have a couple of days to myself. I feel so mixed up at the moment, I need to rediscover myself. Maybe when Christmas is all done with I can go a check into a hotel for a couple of nights with some books and be truly alone.

Went to visit my Grandad yesterday. Nan didn't sound very good when I phoned her so I knew it was important I go. Grandad discovered he has cancer and the doctors are not going to treat it. I don't know what this means and I don't know what to think. All I do know is that I am very scared. didn't get chance to speak to Nan properly, without Morticia being with me it is hard to do.

I'm all over the place.

0911.08 DEMONS

So, British Summer Time is over. The nights are longer and colder and traditionally we get busier at work.

I went back to work after a week off with the Swine flu. In hindsight I went back way too early (there was no way I was fit enough). I went back because I knew there was a staff shortage and I thought it was the right thing to do. I was wrong. Whilst I was off one of my colleagues was given the job of acting as supervisor for the team (a job I've been doing on and off for the last few months). Now I don't begrudge anyone the opportunity but this was a long term opportunity. You could say I'm 'pig sick'.

Since returning I have felt isolated, outside the loop and generally out of touch. I know that many factors in my life a causing me to feel this way it's not all work.

Home is proving to be difficult for me and I have a general feeling that I am not coping with things. Perhaps my weekend state has affected me far greater than I anticipated and my demons (that I usually keep at bay) are surfacing.

Whatever is making me feel this way I know I must get a grip on it all before I cause further problems for myself. Time will tell.

0910.25 WEEK OF HELL

It all started with me going back to work. I was really still too ill to go back but knowing that we have been understaffed I went back in anyway. Did I get thanks? Did I hell. There was a nasty atmosphere within the team and to top it I was refused leave for this weekend. I was not a happy bunny. I spent most of the week in a foul mood and did my best to keep out of everyone's way.

I was pushed hard despite telling my supervisor that I was needing to take it easy, I felt they were taking the piss. I needed to vent but had no outlet although I did have a private moment where I kicked the shit out of my locker (although the locker being made of metal won).

On appeal I did get my leave granted so at least I had this weekend which we had planned to drive to Morticia's mothers.
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So Friday night we set off (as we have done loads before) to visit Morticia's mother in St Neots. It's a tedious 125 mile drive down the A1 and to top it I'm not a big fan of night driving (although I enjoy early morning journeys).

The journey was going pretty well until we reached the A14 where the A1 closed (roadworks). I followed the diversion signs until they just vanished. We ended up at the border of Cambridge before I pulled over to check in we Google Maps. I plotted a route (which involved a certain amount of back tracking) and ended up getting to our destination about an hour late.

I'd like to thank the Highways Agency for pissing me off and wasting my time and petrol. Knobheads!

0905.10 IN THE DUMPS

I seem to be in a bit of a low spot. I've been feeling down now all week and for the life of me I cannot put my finger on why.

First I considered it may have been a reaction to my birthday on Tuesday, but it's no milestone event and when I think of my age I don't worry about it at all.

Work? No, that plods along just fine, my reviews are good and I my superiors consider me to be indispensable (I hope!).

Home? It's just the same old same old, but could THAT be the issue?

If I had the answers I could solve the problem but I don't. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself and I just need to kick myself up the arse and get on with it.