2412.03 LIGHT AT THE END OF THE BEGINNING

In my previous post I mentioned a few things about the last few months which have been a whirlwind of challenges, testing our resilience as a family. From unexpected family issues to car troubles and a broken television, life seemed to conspire against us.

2401.10 VIRUSES AND LOST DAYS

Since New Year I've been floored by a virus that has kept me off work and, for the most part, in bed.

2004.06 KEY WORK

So I've been back at work now for a week (6 days actually) and things are slowly returning to normal. Except its not. The new normal is different - the world has changed overnight and everything has become almost like a bad apocalypse movie. 

2003.24 THE ISOLATED

I've been off work with suspected C19 and I'd like to tell you that it's no 'walk in the park'. I'm late forties and always considered myself fairly fit and healthy so expected light symptoms.

2003.12 OUTBREAK

It's worldwide news, everyone's talking about it. No, not 'Love Island' or whatever the current reality TV fad is, I'm of course talking about the outbreak of Coronavirus.

1901.16 FIRE IN MY CHEST

I'm not ill very often so when do get ill I do it properly.

1812.29 CHRISTMAS SICKIE

I was going to call this post "Christmas Hangover" but circumstances have meant that has had to change. But first let's go back to the beginning.

1809.09 RESUMING THE ONSLAUGHT

So my summer is effectively over and I'm back to work. My trip to our happy place is sadly in my rear view mirror and I find I must get on with my life.

1807.05 HAPPY BIRTHDAY NHS

*

A British Institution, often maligned and taken for granted, this week this pillar of our society turned 70. I thought I'd look how this amazing organisation has touched my life.

1804.25 STRESS HEAD

Sometimes everything just gets on top of me. My world detaches from my mind and I lose my way. Why? I wish I knew. I don't have a reason, it comes and goes at random with no cause or catalyst.

1804.05 NO TIME TO BE ILL

At the weekend I picked up an 'irritation' on my chest which meant I was coughing a little. Today, after just a few days I'm in the grip of a full blown cold. 

1607.31 SNIFFLES and NEW TOYS

It's been a bit of a difficult week for me mainly because I contracted a bit of a cold which has slowed me down a little. Thankfully it's stayed in my head so I've managed to work and keep up my cycling all be it on a limited scale. It's also been the long week at work (it's 6 days) which has been a bit of a slog through plus all the preparation for our up and coming holiday. This has given me very little free time. Once I get through today's shift I'll only have 5 more shifts in the next 2 weeks to get through.

On a plus I have a new toy. I've pondered getting an activity tracker for a while and a heart rate monitor for cycling. I decided to get a Garmin Vivosmart HR and kill 2 birds with one stone. I know a wrist based HR monitor aren't generally as accurate as chest straps but I'm never going to be a pro athlete so that's not too important.

New activity tracker and heart rate monitor
on my extremely hairy wrist

It's also a smart watch too.

1604.14 MY POOR GIRL

As I've previously mentioned, last week I was ill. At the same time so was Morticia, she suffers from a chronic condition which means that any bug that the rest of us may contact effects her probably tenfold. So, although she does try to look after me when I'm struck down, this ends up making her worse.

Maybe that's the cause of her relapse this week, I don't know. All I know it's that I've watched her suffer and I've been helpless except for just trying to make her comfortable. Doctors so far have been pointless, they fob her off every time.

She's on the mend slowly, not that when she's better things will be great, she still has her condition to live with.

1604.12 OFF THE SICK

07:18 -  It's my first day back to work after a week off sick and I find myself on the bus. I left my bike at work when I was sent home last week, if I'm honest I'm kind of glad as I'm not up to 100% health yet. I leave Morticia at home, she's had a relapse (she was poorly before I was) and is really struggling. All I can do is make sure she's comfortable and check in on her throughout the day.

07:31 - I usually beat the bus into work. It's frustrating sitting in traffic.

07:36 - I'm off the bus. I've a 10 minute walk to my place of work. The walk takes me past the building I had my very first job.

07:51 - And I've arrived. Plenty of time before briefing at 8am. I've got 8 hours to get through and that time to decide whether I'm going to cycle home or catch the bus.

16:00 - All done and I got through the day. Decided I'm going to cycle home, I'm just dying to get back on a bike.

The view from my ride home

The ride home was good (a little on the slow side) but I got home feeling a little more tired than usual but that's to be expected. I'm not back up to full strength yet but I'm on my way.

1310.03 I'M BACK

I consider myself in recovery at the moment. Depression is a demon that works silently and strips you of your life slowly and completely. I feel as if I've been in a battle within myself. When you feel there is no future in your life that is when it hits. If it wasn't for my little girl I don't think I'd be here today.

Lately I've been getting things into a bit of perspective. Things are far from OK and I still have a long way to go. I think it's time to start talking to the world outside my head.

I have notes and draft entries which I'll publish at some point.

1303.11 OUT IN THE COLD

I'm desperate for the cold weather to be over. The snow returned today just to pissed me off. I feel like I'm stuck in glue, desperate to move forward with my life. My body is bashed up following my bike crash and to top it off I've got a cold and feel shit. Today should have been my day off but I'll be working tonight until midnight (overtime) and again tomorrow morning (in addition to my regular shift).

We got through Mothers Day pretty much unscathed, it was difficult but we made the best. Our eldest didn't make any sort of contact which was disappointing but not unexpected. Last year we were a complete family when we took Morticia to Whitby for the day as a special treat. Life is so different now, we all still feel the loss 6 months on.

1303.04 ABSENT BLOGS

I know I've not blogged properly for a long while,  apart from a few posts at Christmas I haven't really posted since August. It was shortly after this my world fell apart. I did write quite a few entries in the latter part of last year,  I just never felt able to share, I think now I'm ready. I'll publish them over the coming weeks.

Supplemental 1606.07; I never actually got around to publishing those blogs, it's alway been too painful to revisit. I didn't get around to re-reading them until 4 years afterwards.

1208.20 BACK TO THE DOCS

Today I returned to the doctor to talk about my how I'm coping with things. It was a different doctor although I was glad she was a female like the previous one. Speaking about such things are easier to a woman than a man I feel although if I think a man would probably be happier with the latter if I'd gone in with some embarrassing itch.

I agreed that I've been a time bomb waiting to go off and finally I reached the end of my fuse, hopefully I managed to stop the explosion. My journey back to health is a long and difficult one. I have to try and make lifestyle changes and allow myself time and be me. That's going to be hard.

I've been signed off work for a further 2 weeks, this takes me to the other side of my planned holiday to Wales.

1208.06 SICKNOTE

I haven't visited a doctor for years for myself. It was a strange experience to go today and lay it all out, my problems and fears, the fact I'm not sleeping properly and the way I feel about life at the moment. I did this depression test which I scored highly on (although the doctor recognised this was due to my situation rather than me suffering from full on depression). She was a very kind and understanding doctor and it did feel good to get things off my chest. She offered me drugs to help me but stated that they had addictive qualities, I declined these but she signed me off work for 2 weeks and referred me to a 'wellbeing practitioner'.

I don't know where I'd be without the Olympic Cycling over this period, for a brief time I've allowed myself to try and escape the reality of the situation and lose myself in the sport.

This evening our Team GB cyclists scored yet another gold when Jason Kenny triumphed in the Individual Sprint, well done.

1110.30 A DIFFICULT TIME

I've had a very difficult few weeks. I suffered with a nasty chest infection which knocked me off my feet for a while, I had to take a week off work (and anyone who knows me knows that it takes a lot to keep me from work). On top of that we had more difficulties with our teenager. Thankfully we managed to sort out most of the issues, the challenges remain of course, as they do for most parents of teenage girls.

There are changes afoot in our outlook too, Morticia is being a lot more open about her condition with a view to learning to live with it and come to terms with her life. She is now accepting that she is disabled and she has to live to her abilities and not push herself. I find myself accepting the fact that I am officially her primary carer and also the target for many of her frustrations. Juggling work, being a parent and a carer isn't easy, in fact it is sometimes frustrating and feels impossible. The last few weeks I've had all that on top of illness and teenage issues, thankfully I managed to get through. I feel drained at this moment but determined to make Morticia's life more comfortable.

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