1804.25 STRESS HEAD

Sometimes everything just gets on top of me. My world detaches from my mind and I lose my way. Why? I wish I knew. I don't have a reason, it comes and goes at random with no cause or catalyst.

1610.10 THIS WEEKEND

We were on a mission this weekend. We have been working on friends' wedding photos (which Morticia had taken) and we planned to drop them off. These friends live close to Morticia's mother so the plan was to combine the two things together.

The drive is just over 2 hours and is quite dull. The A1 South is just a duel carriageway that feels like it goes on forever. We headed down Friday night with the idea of presenting the wedding photos over a late lunch the next day.

We'd booked a table at a local 'Brewer's Fayre pub (a typical chain establishment). I'd not visited a Brewer's Fayre for many years and in the past found them a little generic. The menu was indeed very standard but I was pleased with the fact that you could get free refills on soft drinks (and hot drinks too), a rarity for such an establishment. The photos were handed over to our newlywedded friends who were very pleased with their boxed memories. At the end of the afternoon just before we left the pub I noticed they had Rev James on draught at the bar, such a shame since I wasn't drinking, I'd never seen it this far out of Wales before (except in bottles).

They even had the classic pump clip.

The whole weekend was just the relaxing break I needed. As many know my head hasn't been in the right place recently and this trip gave me the opportunity to (to use old computer parlance) defrag my mind.

The drive home yesterday was uneventful and today I wait for the routine of my life to kick back in. I have the satisfaction of knowing I'll be going with a clear head, at least for now.

1609.27 THE VOID

Since 2012 I've lived with the darkness. It's always there like an unwanted stalker forever traveling with me. Back in 2012 I had a breakdown, since then I've had this companion who occasionally pushes me into a dark place, a void, a dark corridor full of locked doors. I have to traverse the whole thing to get back out into the light. But what if this time there is no light this time? It's this making sense?

Yesterday I almost deactivated my blog. I thought about deleting my Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. I came really close. It could still happen. The only reason I think I haven't was the words of my previous therapist who advised me to share my thoughts and that blogging was beneficial to my mental well-being. That's why I'm rambling on like this.

Hopefully I'll see you all on the other side. 

1609.25 HEADSPACE

I get 1 weekend off in every 3 with my current shift pattern. This makes every weekend quite special. This weekend I planned to sort out a friend's wedding photos (a bit of photoshop tidying) and of course go cycling. Apart from that we were just going to relax as a family and spend time together.

My head had other ideas.

Yesterday my head felt like it was in a vice whilst being repeated hit on the forehead with a lump hammer. It was like a hangover without the pleasure of a night out. The unmistakable dark mist had descended over me. I couldn't explain the cause of was just there. I couldn't concentrate on the photos I was supposed to be working on. This morning I planned to go cycling with the club but after a night of nightmares and waking up feeling so much dread I didn't feel like going, so I didn't. Probably the worst decision I could have made, I spent the morning feeling guilt on top of everything else.

A double rainbow to cheer me up? 🌈 #ukweather #Rotherham #southyorkshire

A photo posted by CaptainKirt™ (@captainkirt) on Sep 25, 2016 at 9:25am PDT

Maybe it's because it's the end of summer? Maybe it's that my life feels like I'm just treading water? I don't always know why the darkness descends over me, I wish I did. This afternoon as I sat looking out of the window and 2 rainbows appeared. I took it as a sign that things are going to get better. It's the first positive thought I've had all weekend.

I know this post doesn't make much sense, I apologise for that but writing it down makes it easier for me to process it all. 

1605.23 DARK AND SUNNY WEEKEND

When you look at other peoples' lives from the outside they look like they're having the best of times. Facebook, I feel exaggerates this. I know that people rarely share the bad stuff on social media unless they are (probably) attention seeking. From time to time I feel the dark hand of.... well, er, I don't quite think I have the words but it what I get since 2012 when I had what I can only describe as a life changing event. Anyway, this weekend has been a bit of a 'dark time' for me, without a noticeable reason either. Reading those Facebook statuses of "friends", colleagues, ex-colleagues and people I may have met briefly at some point in my life haven't helped, to that end I've not been interacting on there for quite a while now. I only keep it around because it's the only way to speak to my cycling club.

Anyway, I digress. This weekend I've pretty much shut myself away, I didn't even feel like getting out on the bike yesterday despite the billed ride being a spectacular one and the weather being pretty nice too. I'm off today and up to now I'm not even dressed.

I just read that back and I can't make much sense of it, I'm going to publish anyway since it is a reflection of where my head is at at the moment.

1605.01 SHEFFIELD STARFLYER

It's been the Tour de Yorkshire this weekend and once again I haven't been out to see it. I'm still carrying something on my chest which combined with recent events at work and my upcoming birthday have made me feel pretty low lately. It was decided that today we would do something special. Morticia's friend has her birthday today so combined with mine and Morticia's (next week) we thought it might be a good idea. Morticia is no good on fairground rides so I'm usually alone when it comes to that sort of thing. So is Morticia's friend. As a birthday treat we thought we'd take in Sheffield's newest attraction: The Sheffield Starflyer.

We went with Rags and our friends, Det and Moby. First thing I noticed when we arrived in the town centre was how busy it was. We only just managed to get a parking space (in the second car park we visited). I guess it was busy because it's the bank holiday combined with the World Snooker Finals. With that in mind I thought that there would be a queue and I was regretting not booking in advance. As it was there was no queue. 

Morticia wasn't going on (not in a million years), neither was Rags nor Moby. It was just Det and me. I seem to surround myself with wusses when it comes to fairground rides. We paid our money and chose a pair of seats. We were the first on and we're made to wait whilst the rest of the seats filled up. This took about half a bloody hour, the attendants didn't mention the wait when we arrived. Anyway, we were in good spirits and the moment arrived where we were airborne. 

Today's ride was up in the sky on #sheffieldstarflyer. #sheffield #fargate #views #aerial #birthdaytreat #ride #fun #mytown

A photo posted by CaptainKirt™ (@captainkirt) on May 1, 2016 at 12:07pm PDT

Ride afforded great views but was over very quickly so not much time to take in the urban vistas (you can see other pictures on my Instagram). 

Afterwards we had a walk to the Crucible Theatre and then through the Winter Gardens (which doubles for the TV studio for the snooker in the early rounds) and the Peace Gardens. 

We went for a meal at Yates on Division Street, it was busy and a little rowdy, a little like a Saturday night, but we got seated. The food was ok but nothing really to write home about, and the portion was a little small. Not a patch on Wetherspoons'.

1408.11 DARK CLOUDS

I feel it. It's hard to explain. Like dark clouds around my head that grip my brain and squeeze. I'm becoming accustomed to things not going my way and no matter how much effort I put into anything the result is never worth it.

I need a holiday. Haven't had one since 2012 and not able to have one this year either. I have a break coming up but it's not the same. I just want what people seem to have. Friends and colleagues have holidays, have nights out. I know most have double incomes with themselves and partners and I don't have that. I know I shouldn't compare but it's hard when everyone seems to be talking of holidays and great times.

It feels that I'm treading water and I'm getting tired.

SUPPLEMENTAL;

I've delayed posting this as the shocking news of Robin Williams' death broke that day. The news resonated with me at the time even though my situation is nothing like his. I've been to dark places in my life but never faced pure despair. I can only hope that more people will now speak about mental illness and the stigma will not be as great.

RIP ROBIN WILLIAMS

1312.25 THE CAPTAIN'S CHRISTMAS MESSAGE

Merry Christmas to All

Christmas again. It's been 12 months now since I saw my eldest daughter and the pain of that almost broke me this year. Every aspect of my life was effected by this loss and the damage will, I believe take many years to rebuild. It was sometime in September or October (I think) when something clicked inside and I started to pick up. I feel so much more positive than this time last year. A place will always be available to her in our home and our hearts should she decide to come home. The same cannot be said for my parents who turned their backs on us and refused to support us when we need them the most, the hurt I feel runs deep and I can't see a way back.

Like many, we have felt the pain of austerity imposed on us by the Tory coalition government. No real pay rise coupled with rising costs put paid to our annual holiday this year. All we managed was a day trip to Llandudno, it's the first time in 10 years that we haven't got to our beloved New Quay (Cei Newydd). I'm hoping something can be sorted out for next year, I can't imagine not going back again. We also visited Warner Bros Studios, Harry Potter Tour in Watford earlier in the year.

A new phone back in January changed my mobile window into the online world. The Nexus 4 converted me to Android in a big way and within the time I've had it (and my Nexus 7 tablet) I've learned so much about the art of customisation and automation, I now have brilliant LCARS styled Star Trek devices. They have given me so much fun this year.

My little girl started secondary school this year, I am so surprised at the way she has adapted to life at 'big school' and is doing really well there. I am so proud of her as she grows and becomes more indepenant. She has an active after school life and is at some extra curricular club most afternoons after the school day. She has been involved in performances and concerts over the festive period bringing joy and cheer to local people, shoppers, the elderly and even local dignitaries.

Cycling has always been a large part of my life. I credit it with keeping me together during the dark times. Watching pro cycling also gives me loads of pleasure too and I was thrilled by the 100th Tour de France, the whole race was amazing and topped off brilliantly with the victory of Chris Froome for the 2nd British Yellow Jersey in a row. I restored a vintage bike for use as a commute / hack bike to take the pressure off my Boardman which I spent quite a bit of money getting roadworthy. I signed up for a coast to coast ride for next year which is one of the biggies on my bucket list.

I was involved in two cycling accidents this year, the first was a minor fall whilst at work giving me a bit of soft tissue damage to my knee, I was back up and riding within 2 weeks. The other was about 6 weeks ago where my commute bike was hit by a car and my wrist was broken, the road to recovery promises to be hard and painful.

So what lays ahead for the up and coming year? Lots of physio, that's all I can foresee for the moment. The future is pretty much unknown to me. The ashes of my life lay around me and I have no idea what I need to do to rebuild and I am not giving it too much thought at this moment. I'm getting through a day at a time for the moment.

Merry Christmas to everyone, hope your day is spectacular.

1310.03 I'M BACK

I consider myself in recovery at the moment. Depression is a demon that works silently and strips you of your life slowly and completely. I feel as if I've been in a battle within myself. When you feel there is no future in your life that is when it hits. If it wasn't for my little girl I don't think I'd be here today.

Lately I've been getting things into a bit of perspective. Things are far from OK and I still have a long way to go. I think it's time to start talking to the world outside my head.

I have notes and draft entries which I'll publish at some point.

1303.20 WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES

Yesterday I was feeling pretty low. That's an understatement. Today at exactly the same time I feel, well not happy but perhaps less unhappy. I'm not in the dark place I was, it's like I found a small torch.