1310.03 I'M BACK

I consider myself in recovery at the moment. Depression is a demon that works silently and strips you of your life slowly and completely. I feel as if I've been in a battle within myself. When you feel there is no future in your life that is when it hits. If it wasn't for my little girl I don't think I'd be here today.

Lately I've been getting things into a bit of perspective. Things are far from OK and I still have a long way to go. I think it's time to start talking to the world outside my head.

I have notes and draft entries which I'll publish at some point.

1304.04 GOING THE EXTRA MILES

Today I'm on a training course for work so I was looking forward to the cycle from home to Wath. It's pretty rural and quite undulating, perfect for a leisure ride. 

I set off for the 12 K ride in good time so I could take it steady and arrive in plenty of time to have a cuppa before training commenced. I got to the halfway point just after a decent climb when I had a revelation, my shirt I needed to change into when I got to my destination wasn't in my bag. That explained that nagging feeling that I'd forgotten something as I left the house (which I'd quickly dismissed). I had no option but to head home. I ended up being about 20 minutes late for the course. Lucky for me training never really gets going straight away.

I got away with it and an extra 12 K cycling.

1303.20 WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES

Yesterday I was feeling pretty low. That's an understatement. Today at exactly the same time I feel, well not happy but perhaps less unhappy. I'm not in the dark place I was, it's like I found a small torch. 

1303.19 WHICH WAY

I've been asked many times during my so called recovery if I have had thoughts of 'hurting myself', the answer has always been NO. I have never revealed that I have considered that this life I have is just too painful and I have thought of running, of course I never would. I still have so much here at home, my little girl for one is everything to me.

Work considers me 'over' whatever they thought I was going through. At home I'm supposed to be the glue holding the rest of the family together. I feel I'm at a crossroads and I don't know which road to take. 

I haven't cycled since my cycling accident a few weeks ago. I seem to have lost all motivation. There is a dangerous and a real possibility that I may never get on the bike again. 

1303.11 OUT IN THE COLD

I'm desperate for the cold weather to be over. The snow returned today just to pissed me off. I feel like I'm stuck in glue, desperate to move forward with my life. My body is bashed up following my bike crash and to top it off I've got a cold and feel shit. Today should have been my day off but I'll be working tonight until midnight (overtime) and again tomorrow morning (in addition to my regular shift).

We got through Mothers Day pretty much unscathed, it was difficult but we made the best. Our eldest didn't make any sort of contact which was disappointing but not unexpected. Last year we were a complete family when we took Morticia to Whitby for the day as a special treat. Life is so different now, we all still feel the loss 6 months on.

1303.04 ABSENT BLOGS

I know I've not blogged properly for a long while,  apart from a few posts at Christmas I haven't really posted since August. It was shortly after this my world fell apart. I did write quite a few entries in the latter part of last year,  I just never felt able to share, I think now I'm ready. I'll publish them over the coming weeks.

Supplemental 1606.07; I never actually got around to publishing those blogs, it's alway been too painful to revisit. I didn't get around to re-reading them until 4 years afterwards.

1302.28 CYCLE CRASH

The day before yesterday I crashed whilst out riding my bike. I took crossing the tram tracks (which I've done a thousand times) at a bad angle and the bike slipped. I hit the ground hard.

Initially I dismissed the fall thinking I'd bounce back. I even cycled home from work. The real pain didn't start until the next morning, my knee is still swollen and my shoulder and neck have stiffened and I have pain in the soft tissue bellow my collar bone.

I went to minor injuries clinic and have been advised to take it easy and keep the pressure off. I've also been prescribed strong inflammatory pain killers. I'm now off sick from work. 

Perhaps I'm not as young as I was and I just can't bounce straight back. It's the worst cycling accident I've been involved in so far.

1302.17 BACK FROM THE DARKNESS

It's been a long while since I blogged. I wrote posts but never got around to putting them up. It's been hard to sometimes cope, my stress levels have been through the roof but somehow I'm still going. 

We are currently relaxing down at my Mother-in-law's this weekend. It's a much needed break for us all. 

1301.21 COLD SNAP

So winter arrived and the snow that was forecast has fallen (although not as heavy as they promised). As usual schools close since teachers are unable to get in yet most of the rest of us have to report in order to get paid. Transport struggled a little but managed to get through. All in all it wasn't as bad as the media made it out to be. I was disappointed that chaos didn't ensue and everything managed. Now we have the joy of the lingering surface snow being compacted to ice and becoming grey with the filth of the road. 

I've not been cycling for reasons of safety (pressure from Morticia) so it looks like public transport for me whilst the snow lingers.

1301.01 REVIEW OF 2012... ...OR NOT

I was going to review last year, but I'm thinking 'what's the point?' since 2012 was such a horrendous year for my family and me. I had the most time off sick from work in my life when the stress broke me.

There were couple of highlights but not enough to lift me off the floor. I'm concentrating on putting my life back together and moving on. 2012 is over, it's time to get back on the horse.

First job in hand is my phone, I'm in my upgrade window for a new one. I have had a very good 2 years with my iPhone 4 which has been awesome. The refinement of iOS is apparent and works well. I was all set to upgrade to the iPhone 5 but the spanner in the works is my new toy, my shiny Nexus 7. Android has always seemed to be a shabby sub standard iPhone clone in the past and I've never liked the way the updates arrive via everyone in the world first. 

Not so with the Nexus with its slick Jelly Bean OS and instant updates. So now I'm pondering my upgrade and wondering if the Nexus 4 would be the next one for me. I'm reading reviews and doing my best to avoid the nasty fanboy hatred from both camps.