Sometimes everything just gets on top of me. My world detaches from my mind and I lose my way. Why? I wish I knew. I don't have a reason, it comes and goes at random with no cause or catalyst.
This pretty much started in 2012 with something I can only describe as a trauma. I'm better now but the residual darkness is probably the same as the physical scars I have from my cycling crashes.
When the darkness falls it's like a pair of cold, clammy hands gripping my skull tightly and not letting go. I've been like this recently and although its grip has loosened slightly from time to time it's been pretty relentless. Most people aren't aware when I feel this way as most of the time I bluff my way through with them.
When I'm like this I withdraw from the things that give me pleasure. I haven't cycled. I haven't been reading much or drawing much as I would normally do. I'm pretty much in limbo which is ironic since you'd think that doing activities that I enjoy would help. So what do I do about it? I've been here before so I know how to ride it out. Even now I'm aware that I'm emerging through to the other side now and soon I'll feel like myself again. I know that if I don't start to feel better I must seek health. I talk about my condition with Morticia, she understands having experienced the same feels too.
If you know what I'm talking about then you have walked in my shoes and I'm truly sorry for that. Just recognise that something is wrong, seek help and make sure you talk to someone. Don't try and be brave and fight it, you won't win. Those hands grip tight and if not kept in check could crush you.
Samaritans – for everyone Call 116 123
Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) – for men Call 0800 58 58 58 – 5pm to midnight every day.
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