1310.03 I'M BACK

I consider myself in recovery at the moment. Depression is a demon that works silently and strips you of your life slowly and completely. I feel as if I've been in a battle within myself. When you feel there is no future in your life that is when it hits. If it wasn't for my little girl I don't think I'd be here today.

Lately I've been getting things into a bit of perspective. Things are far from OK and I still have a long way to go. I think it's time to start talking to the world outside my head.

I have notes and draft entries which I'll publish at some point.

1304.04 GOING THE EXTRA MILES

Today I'm on a training course for work so I was looking forward to the cycle from home to Wath. It's pretty rural and quite undulating, perfect for a leisure ride. 

I set off for the 12 K ride in good time so I could take it steady and arrive in plenty of time to have a cuppa before training commenced. I got to the halfway point just after a decent climb when I had a revelation, my shirt I needed to change into when I got to my destination wasn't in my bag. That explained that nagging feeling that I'd forgotten something as I left the house (which I'd quickly dismissed). I had no option but to head home. I ended up being about 20 minutes late for the course. Lucky for me training never really gets going straight away.

I got away with it and an extra 12 K cycling.

1303.20 WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES

Yesterday I was feeling pretty low. That's an understatement. Today at exactly the same time I feel, well not happy but perhaps less unhappy. I'm not in the dark place I was, it's like I found a small torch. 

1303.19 WHICH WAY

I've been asked many times during my so called recovery if I have had thoughts of 'hurting myself', the answer has always been NO. I have never revealed that I have considered that this life I have is just too painful and I have thought of running, of course I never would. I still have so much here at home, my little girl for one is everything to me.

Work considers me 'over' whatever they thought I was going through. At home I'm supposed to be the glue holding the rest of the family together. I feel I'm at a crossroads and I don't know which road to take. 

I haven't cycled since my cycling accident a few weeks ago. I seem to have lost all motivation. There is a dangerous and a real possibility that I may never get on the bike again. 

1303.11 OUT IN THE COLD

I'm desperate for the cold weather to be over. The snow returned today just to pissed me off. I feel like I'm stuck in glue, desperate to move forward with my life. My body is bashed up following my bike crash and to top it off I've got a cold and feel shit. Today should have been my day off but I'll be working tonight until midnight (overtime) and again tomorrow morning (in addition to my regular shift).

We got through Mothers Day pretty much unscathed, it was difficult but we made the best. Our eldest didn't make any sort of contact which was disappointing but not unexpected. Last year we were a complete family when we took Morticia to Whitby for the day as a special treat. Life is so different now, we all still feel the loss 6 months on.

1303.04 ABSENT BLOGS

I know I've not blogged properly for a long while,  apart from a few posts at Christmas I haven't really posted since August. It was shortly after this my world fell apart. I did write quite a few entries in the latter part of last year,  I just never felt able to share, I think now I'm ready. I'll publish them over the coming weeks.

Supplemental 1606.07; I never actually got around to publishing those blogs, it's alway been too painful to revisit. I didn't get around to re-reading them until 4 years afterwards.

1302.28 CYCLE CRASH

The day before yesterday I crashed whilst out riding my bike. I took crossing the tram tracks (which I've done a thousand times) at a bad angle and the bike slipped. I hit the ground hard.

Initially I dismissed the fall thinking I'd bounce back. I even cycled home from work. The real pain didn't start until the next morning, my knee is still swollen and my shoulder and neck have stiffened and I have pain in the soft tissue bellow my collar bone.

I went to minor injuries clinic and have been advised to take it easy and keep the pressure off. I've also been prescribed strong inflammatory pain killers. I'm now off sick from work. 

Perhaps I'm not as young as I was and I just can't bounce straight back. It's the worst cycling accident I've been involved in so far.

1302.17 BACK FROM THE DARKNESS

It's been a long while since I blogged. I wrote posts but never got around to putting them up. It's been hard to sometimes cope, my stress levels have been through the roof but somehow I'm still going. 

We are currently relaxing down at my Mother-in-law's this weekend. It's a much needed break for us all. 

1301.21 COLD SNAP

So winter arrived and the snow that was forecast has fallen (although not as heavy as they promised). As usual schools close since teachers are unable to get in yet most of the rest of us have to report in order to get paid. Transport struggled a little but managed to get through. All in all it wasn't as bad as the media made it out to be. I was disappointed that chaos didn't ensue and everything managed. Now we have the joy of the lingering surface snow being compacted to ice and becoming grey with the filth of the road. 

I've not been cycling for reasons of safety (pressure from Morticia) so it looks like public transport for me whilst the snow lingers.

1301.01 REVIEW OF 2012... ...OR NOT

I was going to review last year, but I'm thinking 'what's the point?' since 2012 was such a horrendous year for my family and me. I had the most time off sick from work in my life when the stress broke me.

There were couple of highlights but not enough to lift me off the floor. I'm concentrating on putting my life back together and moving on. 2012 is over, it's time to get back on the horse.

First job in hand is my phone, I'm in my upgrade window for a new one. I have had a very good 2 years with my iPhone 4 which has been awesome. The refinement of iOS is apparent and works well. I was all set to upgrade to the iPhone 5 but the spanner in the works is my new toy, my shiny Nexus 7. Android has always seemed to be a shabby sub standard iPhone clone in the past and I've never liked the way the updates arrive via everyone in the world first. 

Not so with the Nexus with its slick Jelly Bean OS and instant updates. So now I'm pondering my upgrade and wondering if the Nexus 4 would be the next one for me. I'm reading reviews and doing my best to avoid the nasty fanboy hatred from both camps.

1212.26 THE CAPTAIN'S (LATE) CHRISTMAS MESSAGE

So Christmas is effectively over, although I never thought we were going to pull it off. This year has been the worst of my life. The departure of my eldest daughter, the reconciliation and subsequent break down in the relationship with my parents have resulted in utter despair which meant an extended time for me off sick and found me in counselling and temporarily on antidepressants. 

I am determined to rebuild my life for the sake of my remaining family. 

Christmas day was good. The dinner was great (even if I had to save the day with the gravy). I got a new Nexus 7 tablet (so did the kids) and we had good company. It was tiring for Morticia, I'm expecting her to sleep in today. There was a hole left by our eldest daughter's absence but we made the best of the situation. I'm sure she missed us as much as we missed her. 

1208.25 THE BIG HOLIDAY

05:16 - Bloody hell it's early. The plan is to get past Manchester before the weekend traffic kicks in. Target set off time is 6am.

07:33 - We've arrived at Chester services in Elton, just off the M56. This is a chance for a leg stretch and toilet stop. I'm glad to be past Manchester (and the horrible M60 ring road). Morticia just brought me a cup of tea (£2.15! Bloody rip off).

Next stop Wales!

09:14 - Stopped in Bala for toilet (for me, damn that cup of tea). The rain in heavy as I sit resting in a public car park.

09:30 - We've moved around the corner and are now parked by the lake enjoying a pre-prepared picnic. 

10:55 - Morticia takes over the driving for a while. Plan is to stop at a cafe further down the road.

11:40 - Stopped at Machynlleth, didn't partake in the cafe but stretched our legs.

12:14 - I'll be taking back over in the driving seat soon, just approaching Aberystwyth.

13:00 - ARRIVED!

18:12 - Earlier we had a little walk around, saw at least 4 dolphins (within 20 minutes of arriving) from the pier. Had my first pint of Brains in the Penwig (where we are staying) before checking in. Once in the cottage I (and Morticia) had a couple of hours sleep - I just woke up.

21:57 - Back at the cottage. Been out for a couple of pints followed by chips and corned beef rissole (unique and epic). It's time for an early night, the holiday starts proper tomorrow.

1208.24 PACKING AND PREP

10:03 - Tomorrow we go to Wales on our annual holiday. As it stands I really don't feel like going after yesterday. I'm sat in my dressing gown waiting for the bathroom to come free. 

12:03 - Shopping at Morrisons for food for the trip, didn't expect it to cost that much. 

21:06 - Finally sat down after a hard day sorting out everything for tomorrow's journey. The roof box was a bitch to fit (first time on this car). Looking forward to my bed, should be up at 5.

23:08 - Bed, taken a Nytol so hopefully the few hours I get will be restful.

23:38 - Bloody heavy rain keeping me awake!

1208.23 GIVE US A BREAK

No matter what I do something comes along to kick me down again. Why the fuck do I bother? My head hurts, my chest and heart feels heavy. I'm struggling to cope, everytime I feel I get a handle on things something happens to knock me to the floor.

GIVE ME A BREAK!

Harley did well in her exams considering the fact that she had to pull back following a particularly dark time. Unfortunately her results weren't good enough to get her onto her chosen college course despite some guarantees given to her from them previously. She was devastated. I've made some calls and hopefully opened a few doors for her. There's always a plan B, especially at her age.

1208.20 BACK TO THE DOCS

Today I returned to the doctor to talk about my how I'm coping with things. It was a different doctor although I was glad she was a female like the previous one. Speaking about such things are easier to a woman than a man I feel although if I think a man would probably be happier with the latter if I'd gone in with some embarrassing itch.

I agreed that I've been a time bomb waiting to go off and finally I reached the end of my fuse, hopefully I managed to stop the explosion. My journey back to health is a long and difficult one. I have to try and make lifestyle changes and allow myself time and be me. That's going to be hard.

I've been signed off work for a further 2 weeks, this takes me to the other side of my planned holiday to Wales.